Haven't been on in a while, haven't had a minute to write anything since I've been busy, trying to start life over on my own. But this week has been the week straight from of hell. but things are looking up, its really really hard right now, going at it with the lawyers, taking days off to go to court, running around trying to find a new place, because I gave myself a deadline to move (end of august) and i'm sticking to it. Decided it was time to get out of my house and (start my own life) not with something we built for a family that's broken, but something I can build on my own and still be happy.
My whole week was bad but Thursday tipped the scales causing me to have an anxiety attack at work, normally I don't let things get to me AT ALL but the devil was really jabbing at me, finally broke in, and I CAVED as expected.
While trying to look at apartments with the only time I really get to do it (after work). All day the temperature was maybe -5 degrees to a heat stroke, then out of nowhere, no clouds, no warning the sky opened up and it just started pouring down, as if I was supposed to just give up.
Didn't like the town homes I saw, the second one I guess because it was raining the other person didn't show up for the viewing despite me sitting in the parking lot for at least 30 minutes in the rain, got frustrated and decided I had to get going.
By then the rain eased up and the most amazing rainbow came out and I kept watching it as I drive (don't ever try that by the way), thinking how amazing and beautiful the little things can be, and for a moment I completely forgot about everything (my ex, my overpriced lawyers and their jargon, house hunting, packing, work) just everything that happened earlier that 'cause me to flip out, and for that moment I felt – calm for some reason.
As I drove off, I was thinking and saying to myself (I know you are there and I know I don't always look up, its hard to give into faith and just trust when I've been disappointed so many times, but I know you are there watching and guiding regardless)
Headed out on US1 the rain subsided, slowly I drove home, no stereo to interrupt just lost in thought, by then it was 6.30 my phone rang, a realtor (john, who lives in MO) called me after I left him a message 2 days ago, he said the one I was interested in was already sold but he has connections with other realtors in my area and will give then a call and call me back in 2 minutes.
He called me back in 5minutes with the number to another realtor and said he gave her my info and I should give her a call, I thanked him and hung up, thinking I'll call in the morning because it's already late in the evening
Before I could hang up the phone with john, I got a call from Kathy saying john gave her my info and if I wanted to come by and view the place I can because she will be there another 30 minutes….. Now I'm thinking??? I'm puzzled!! it was still daylight but its late (no one shows apartments at that hour of the day) it took me a good 30 minutes to get there because I got lost and it was raining again. By then it was 7pm
When I got there and saw the place- my mouth fell open, I could believe what I was looking at for the price she was telling me.
we looked at a few more, she said I have to pay an application fee to run my credit so I can qualify and start the process, told her I would be back the next day with the money, thanked her profusely because she made my evening seem brighter. I went home showered, (I ran out of boxes so I couldn't pack anything, bored out of my mind because anna was with her dad, so with not much I can do) I crawled into bed and prayed like I never prayed before.
I prayed for me
I prayed for her
I prayed for everyone near & far
I prayed for enemies that became friends
I prayed for friends who revel in becoming & staying enemies
I prayed for everyone that has tried to hold me down
I prayed for everyone that seems to standing in my way
I prayed for the ones that smile with me & stabs me in the back
I prayed for enlightenment
I prayed for "him" he who hath made my heart crumble
- even though I was hurt, I never want to see him stumble or falter
And lastly I asked for guidance, peace of mind and understanding.
After all that praying (I think I went to bed 5 lbs lighter)
Got up Friday took the scenic route to work, found out I had no money to do the application because of a few other things with my lawyer. so I would have to wait till next week when I got paid, I was a little sad but didn't let it get me down (if its meant to be it will be) my heart felt little lighter, I was off to a very good start, plus its Friday, everyone noticed I was little bit chirpier, which is a big thing, because everyone can tell when something is up with me, because I always put on a smile no matter what.
Anyway, was talking to a friend of mine, said he will loan me the money for the application even though I didn't ask for it, which I thought was really sweet but still declined because of pride. He was persistent about it, made a few good points about what's more important, right now. So of course I took the offer.
I was ESTATIC, I COULDNT WAIT TILL LUNCH to go start the application, I got there took another look at MINE AND MY DAUGHTERS future community.. it was just as beautiful as the first time i saw it, then worry started to set in, "THE WHAT IF?......"
Left thinking what if I don't get it, what if they don't accept my offer, what if my credit is not good enough then I'll loose my fee and then I'm back to square one.
I don't want to get my hopes up and then be sad again about something I never had.
Got back to work, could barely sit still in my chair – waiting for the realtor to call me.
At 2pm the realtor called me and said I GOT THE PLACE. I could barely breathe (alil dramatic I know, but after roadblock after roadblock all week, THIS WAS MY SILVER LINING). Now deciding when to move in is another thing because I still have to pack, which is minor… since I decided I'm selling everything in my house so I wont have to worry about carrying huge furniture with me, plus if I got rid of everything, I would be starting with a clean palette which is what I am looking for.
Within 30 minutes of my first call, another realtor called me saying the townhouse I was interested in came through: THEY ACCEPTED MY OFFER and its mine if I want it, I just have to sign the papers and fax it back to her ASAP
OH MY GOODNESS: again in AWE, yesterday, I wanted to curl up and just forget the world because of my search and everything in between and today I have 2 beautiful places that I loved, wanted, got and don't know which one to choose from.
Decisions, Decisions, I had everyone in my office helping me with my pros & cons & my "CAN I AFFORD IT" spreadsheet, everyone laughs at it, but I think it's a very realistic spreadsheet.
So I decided to go take another peek into the place and decide from there. I did and of course I saw things clearer more so than when I first walked in without any options, so I made my decision. And will be moving in end of august… Great community has all the amenities I was looking for considering my daughter. It has more space for shoes than I can ever fill and to top it off its 10 minutes from my job, now thats what I call a blessing.
MORAL TO MY DRAMA is: there is nothing a little prayer cant fix, when life circumstances forces you to your knees, you're in the perfect position to pray.
An Odd Comfort
4 weeks ago